If love is a game, anxious attachment is like playing with a blindfold on and a buzzer strapped to your heart. One minute you’re floating, the next you’re spiraling, convinced you’ve said too much, not enough, or somehow ruined everything just by existing. It’s messy, it’s painful and honestly, humiliating – but it also makes for great television. Enter Izad Etemadi, who brings all the heart, humour and heartbreak to Ben, a character who is trapped in this sweet hell.

Etemadi, who has been a part of Settle Down since 2016, wasn’t always meant to play Ben. Originally, he worked as a story editor, but the more he worked on developing the series, the more he became attached to the character. “I loved how sweet Ben was and how much he genuinely wanted to find love. I think what really drew me to him was something that I experienced in my own life, when I was single, which was how he was willing to look past the red flags. He doesn’t get into the healthiest relationships, but he really tries to make it work regardless.“

To prepare for the role, Etemadi jokes, he didn’t have to dig too far down to tap into Ben’s misery.“I mean look, I been doing years of therapy on my anxious attachment.” He laughs. “The work has been done! I have been reading drafts for these scripts for years, I felt like I really understood Ben.” Although tapping into Ben’s emotional truth didn’t require much work from him, it was elements of his other unfortunate circumstances that Etemadi had to prepare for. “The funny thing Alex and I joked about was my first day on set was the threesome scene; we were like we have been writing this scene for years, making it funny and as uncomfortable as we could, that I forgot I actually had to do it.” 

The scene has racked up over 300k views online and started a heated discourse in the comments arguing for and against the situation. For his birthday, Ben’s partner “gifts” him a threesome. Sweet baby angel Ben doesn’t want to participate, but he does want to make his boyfriend happy, AKA, stay in his relationship, even if it’s not healthy. Although hilarious and cringeworthy as a scene, as a viewer you are begging for Ben to get out of there, it is a very real depiction of how an anxious attachment style messes with its victims. Individuals with AAS often find themselves caught in a cycle of seeking constant reassurance, fearing abandonment and questioning their self-worth. Etemadi captures these racing emotions expertly as Ben watches in discomfort, his partner having sex with a random. Then he snaps back to the performance when asked if he’s enjoying himself, uncomfortably grazing his hand on a body part, emotionally detached from what’s happening. There is a thin line between comedy and horror and thank god Nunez hired the best comedians because it is actually very sad.

What really surprised him was what he didn’t know needed preparation on the day of filming.“That was my first time doing a scene like that and being shirtless on camera. So a lot of it for me was my own anxieties; I actually asked if I could wear a tank top doing it, and then as we were rehearsing I realized there is a bigger conversation here.”

Body image issues have long been a problem within the gay community, often exacerbated by media portrayals that emphasize unrealistic beauty standards for men. Equally, making light of gay men who are ashamed of their bodies is still a popular trope in TV and film. Most recently in episode six of a new series on Disney+, Mid-Century Modern, the men hire a very attractive, male housekeeper. The joke is that they all irrationally believe they have a chance with him because the maid is scamming them. The character who is most surprised is Bunny, played by Nathan Lane. Compared to his hyper fit, shallow counterparts, he is the “least” attractive and he believes it. He won’t even take his T-shirt off in their hot tub. “Bunny, we’ve been friends for thirty years, are we ever gonna see you without a shirt on?” Jerry asks. With a forced laugh track, Bunny responds: “No, I took off the bottoms, Winnie The Pooh is all you get!”

The scene is uncomfortable at best. Shaming ‘unconventionally’ attractive gay men wasn’t something Etemadi was about to do.“I asked myself, why do I feel that I have to be the one who has to wear a top in this scene? I wish when I was younger that I had seen my body type shirtless on-screen. And what does that say if I am the only one wearing the shirt with two other guys? So thank god we had Christina, our intimacy coordinator, because I was able to talk about this openly. I stepped away from myself and looked at the bigger picture to understand the message we were sending. It sounds like such a simple choice, but it speaks volumes when I am the only one wearing a top.”

That was not the only scene where Etemadi gave a masterclass in acting. During that heated dinner scene where Mason and Ben get into a fight, he did several takes to capture the inner conflict of being an anxious dater. “Getting to do that one with three awesome actors was so much fun. I originally played it a little more heated, but after a bunch of takes, Sam, our director, said, “play it like you don’t wanna have this conversation.” A decision that added much more texture to the scene. “That was such a great direction because that cut was more accurate. There is a moment where he almost lies again to Angelo about wanting to do the threesome because he wants to avoid talking about it and get out of there. It brought so many more layers to that scene.”

“I asked myself, why do I feel that I have to be the one who has to wear a top in this scene? I wish, when I was younger, that I had seen my body type shirtless on-screen. And what does that say if I am the only one wearing the shirt with two other guys?

While shaping Ben’s performance, Etemadi felt a deep sense of responsibility to the show as a whole. For Ben, it was his mission to play him as honestly as he could, but similar to his co-star, Alex, the urgency for authenticity was something he learned by trial and error. “When I first started in this industry, I was trying really hard to be meaningful but it didn’t hit. Then I realized if I am actually truthful to what I think, my stupid jokes about being lactose intolerant will be more impactful than anything I say about politics.” He Laughs.“So coming into Ben, I just knew I had to be authentic and not try and make him an important queer character or your TV bestie.”

For Etemadi, acting isn’t just a career, it’s a calling, A form of personal and communal healing. Much of his artistic work has been rooted in challenging perceptions and expanding conversations around identity. In 2017, he wrote We Are Not The Others, a powerful play based on the real experiences of female immigrants living in Hamilton, Ontario. In 2023, he returned to the stage with Let Me Explain, a sharp, hilarious solo show tackling the exhausting reality of constantly having to explain his race, his sexuality, and even his own name. And while his resume has tons of impressive work that ranges from mystery to romance, he still intends on dismantling stereotypes surrounding queer communities, specifically those who exist at the intersection of queerness and immigration. “I remember a few years ago I had an interview to write on a show and I was asked, what do you think is missing in film and TV. My answer was queer immigrants whose parents don’t hate them. I am an immigrant and I felt like any time I watched that type of story, the parents were very against them, and I saw that over and over.” He says with annoyance. “Sometimes when I pitch ideas that are funny or light hearted, the feedback I get is- where is the crying and the screaming? My parents didn’t care when I came out and they are traditional middle eastern people. They were supportive and told me they loved me. I want to see more of that. Give me a story about a queer character who can’t afford a latte because they are eleven dollars now!” He laughs. “I want to see us being happy and living normal lives and dealing with issues like someone not texting me back and I’m gonna fall apart.”

Etemadi can check off some of those requests because poor Ben does fall apart before having his come to Jesus moment. After six episodes of getting absolutely railed by his unstable emotions, in his own way, Ben is able to move forward in a way that is empowering and touching. But his healing work is just beginning. Although season 2 has not been confirmed, Etemadi already has a clear path for Ben’s future, and it’s hilarious. With a sly smirk he tells me,“I want Ben to experience his hoe era. I want him on every dating app. I want him being messy, sleeping around and putting himself in every uncomfortable situation. I want him to become a serial dater.” He declares “Then after many one night stands and calling no one back, maybe he gets banned from the apps and he has to use Mason’s phone to get back on them. In season one, I feel like he was trying so hard to be put together. In season 2, I want him to embrace the mess!”

That is an arc I can get behind. And really, the desire Etemadi has for Ben to connect with his attachment style mirrors his own journey. By embracing all the beautiful, chaotic, complicated parts of himself that created the impactful artist he is today, Etemadi gives Ben, and everyone watching permission to do the same. 

You can watch Season 1 of Settle Down now on OutTV on Prime Video